Thursday, January 28, 2010

Appreciate, and thankful, for that little time I have to be with you

Lazy afternoon, been spending my whole day lying here in my living room, with my darling apple(my dog), on9 and reading books..Ive a stack of books beside me..but just manage to read one of them..and still reading it... And my mom is sleeping in the 2nd living room, usually Id be in my room..but today I moved my laptop and books to the living room..and do my things down here..

I was waken up by my dad's voice this morning..called me up to bath and get everything ready to pick up my mom in clinic, and depends whether need to send her to hospital or nt..I was blur(huh?wat clinic?hospital..?)....sleepy(so tired...><)....shock! (wat??mom in clinic??!!)

I quickly got off my bed n rushed into his room to ask what was goin on.. My mom kept vomiting this morn..and stomachahe and dizzy, my dad had sent her to the nearest clinic d..

When we reached the clinic, my mom was in the emergency room, I went in with a bottle of hot milk , and saw her lying down , her face looked pale..i was worried...
I sat beside her, she said she was cold, I hold her hands in the blanket, "Its ok ..Its normal to feel cold when u hav stomachahce.." I didnt know whether its right or not but I just didnt want her to worry so much..

She closed her eyes tide and was trying to get some sleep...I prayed in my heart and watched her face..I felt a sudden pain in my heart, watching her suffer makes me suffer too..she's already 64years old..Holding her cold hands, I some how hope that the pain could be transfer to me..atleast she wouldnt be so pain..
When me and my dad were on our way to clinic be4, my dad said ..

"..Your mom is gettin old, she's already 64 you see...In malaysia normally ppl live til 70 or 70+.. she survived her cancer in 2002, now its already the 8th year...

You hav 3 more years to graduate..and she will be in her 67.. How long more you can take care of her, "hao sun" her....."

I kept quiet...I understand what my dad was tryin to tell me..He just want me to be prepared to accept things that might happen in the future.. ..

I didnt dare to hold my mom's hand too tight, I was scared to let her feel my fear and worried...I combed her hair with my fingers gentle, it reminds me how she helped my to tie my pony tail when i was a kid...Time really flies, I gt shocked when i see myself already turning 21 this year, and it hurts me when i see my parents are gettin old ....

When we are spending more time on our work,college,uni,..friends, hobbies..or bf/gf...Have we ever wonder how much time we actually spend with our parents?.. we can even spend hours hanging out with frens..but we have no time to dine with our parents..we can spend whole night ot in office, but we have no time to talk to our parents, and we can talk to our bf/gf over the phone till morn 2am but we have no time to call our parents for 15min..

Some of the people i know hav never watch a movie with their parents in cinema before..I find it kinda sad.. Or never speak to their dad or mom much? just hi and bye, yes and no, want and dun want...etc..... Sometimes just little caring, time , can make things much more better..

Sometimes I think people just take parents for grounded..Because we know that tat whatever we do, our parents will still be there for us..We have NO TIME, but we think that some other time we can spend a day with them...So we rather put our bf/gf, heng dai, ji muis, frens first..

Have a look at our parents, they are not the same as last time alreayd..they are getting old..i mean..look properly at their hairs..their hands...and when was the last time you hold their hands?

Back to a the word.."Appreciate"....Appreciate our parents, and be thankful.. not only because of what they've given you, but because they are still here,still by your side...and you still have that little time, to care and love them...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


蔡健雅 - 若你碰到他
我的脆弱坚强 互相作战
理性与感性 失去平衡感
不想让自己 活在过去的遗憾
问宇宙  他是否还爱我吗
这问题  早就有答案

若你碰到了 替我问候他
已忘记他  已把泪水全部擦乾
若你碰到了 替我问候他 祝福他和他的另一半
不在乎他  不再爱也不再等待
就这样吧  若你碰到他

*我的自私慷慨 互相挑战
黑夜白天颠倒 造成困扰
常在最乐观时候跌进沮丧 为何失恋后想恢复那么困难 只好找些催眠的话

爱  没有绝对  虽曾经以为我终于体会 爱不能倒退 该让它颓废 收起心碎

若你碰到了 替我问候他

已忘记他  已把泪水全部擦乾
若你碰到了 替我问候他 祝福他和他的另一半
不在乎他  不再爱也不再等待

就这样吧  若你碰到他

第一在收音机听到这首歌的时候, 觉得 "嗯..很好听, 旋律很好, 歌词不错.."....一段时间后的今天,不知为什么想起这首歌, 于是上网找找看.. 不知道歌名的我, 只好随便打几个记得的歌词, 那也被我找到了.. --- 蔡健雅 - 若你碰到

歌词写得如此平白, 歌声是如此的悠然, 然而, 却有种丝丝入扣的情感, 我被触动了.
看着MV里的男主角, 是如此的熟悉..他是否在上演着, 我也很熟悉的情节..

每天,都是脆弱和坚强, 互相作战...理性与感性, 失去平衡感.....
相信生命也是如此,每天都是胜负的考验, 那这一刻,我哭了,我输了..但下一刻,我会赢的..若又不能,那就下下次,下下下次..终有一天,我会把这伤口治好.. 也希望为爱受伤的人, 不要放弃治好自己的伤口..相信你能把自己治好, 因为没人比你更了解自己, 也没人会比你和你父母更会爱你...

我在疗伤的同时, 也不忘看看我那遥远的梦,也不忘追逐它.. 女孩, 在青春时代, 应该多看看这世界, 还有其他事情也很重要, 很美丽... 我, 也要一面地疗伤, 一面努力地奔向世界...

朋友, 请原谅懦弱的我.. 我还在努力着, 我没放弃过...

Monday, January 18, 2010

"Keep it up girl...what ever it takes..u have to make it through the way... There's no time for you to ponder around with ur emotions di..You are out of time!! Hold on tight with hope, faith and courage.... "
keep reminding keep remindin keep reminding.....we are human, we make mistakes,we might take the wrong path..tats why we need to keep reminding ourselve.. No one and nothing can affect my heart, if im strong enough...
Im feeling abit unease..sometimes in the night..well everyone has ups n downs...including me ... But how much time does it takes to bounce back? That a question for me to ask, an answer for me to create..
Whatever it is, things that keep me studies,my dream,my mission...keep thinking keep thinking keep thinking.....
"Look! how happy u are when u graduate..when u travel around europe after you graduate..when u finally get to pursue ur studies and ur mentor in japan...Look at that big big smile on ur face...How bout recorder band? kotekitai sisters and ur parents?..."
So dont give up!! Never give in!! FIGHTO! FIGHTO! FIGHTO!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Just like yesterday

Sometimes, it felt just like yesterday..Even it had been so long, but i still feel that way..Memories still remain, but things has changed, even the both of us ..

My heart is aching no more, tears are shedding no more..Still rmb those days how i cried over the phone, felt like couldn't breathe, spent my sleepless nights playing the piano, cried in anytime, to anyone....Never had such pain before, because I'd never loved this much before... But I thank you for this pain, because I am surprised to see the me now ..

I'm still the me, never had I changed..but I've grown up I'm proud to say, more mature I guess.. Atleast Im no more lonely, from the inside of me...I see things differently, I see my dream clearer than I was with you...

Your love had blind folded me, and my love was not strong enough to put ur negativity off..we were just not meant to be together..I've completely accepted this fact..1 month ago....

I eat alone, read alone, shop alone, gym alone, drive alone...I'm not lonely, I'm just discovering "myself" ...What kinda life I want to live? What do I want to pursue? What kinda person I want to be? What I kinda relationship I want? What kinda life partner am I looking for...?

I dont think I'm ready...That's why I remain single...Once a friend asked me why not try out some of the guys that are aftering me, he said its better not miss the chance .... But for me, I rather to miss that chance, than to fall in the "wrong love" again...

I wanna feel happy, not the outside, but in me! I asked myself this ,
"Where is happiness to be found? How can we become happy? "
After the broke up, I did not feel happy at all.. Even I went out with a bunch of peoples, yam cha with friends every night, movies with friends and anything that I wasnt being alone. But I did not feel any happier at all. Infact Im getting more depressed as I saw him having great time with his new gf..

I soon found out no matter how much friends I hang out with, how many places I went to, or even if i had another bf.. I wouldn't be happy..
"Because happiness is not a question of how you look to others, rather it is a matter of what you yourself feel inside; it is a deep answering response in your life."
And this fundamental darkness of mine, is still in me, no matter how my environment change, I would still remain the depressed emo me... After discovering this, I took some hard time in chanting, kept reflecting myself.. I started to see the weakness in fragile...and Im gonna transform this , to happiness, to a strong young women that sensei's always proud of..

Instead of letting myself in that miserable situation ..FOREVER.. I wanna make changes, revolution! How?

Live in a way that is full of life... for yourself, for your loved ones, for your friends. People who do so will find the courage to transform sufferings into hopes. Not only that, but they will be able to light the lamp of hope in the hearts of many others, as well. (Daisaku Ikeda)

Start with giving something to each person I meet : joy, courage, hope, assurance or philosophy, wisdom, a vision for the future... Let me always give something!! Wait and see, I wanna see the girl that shines with beauty in that mirror again ...and shines even brighter ..