1/1/11

1/1/11 , 2.24am


3...2...1... Happy New Year .. ...

Id tried to laugh, but my laugh was so fake, Id tried to talk, but I was out of topic..
I was quiet, but I just didnt know why .. I didnt felt like partying, or drinking...

I reached home...n I cried...again, I didnt know what was the reason...
 I guess it was a release for me..All these while Ive been fighting with my every fear , though I was losing balance but I caught myself..and no, Ive been telling ppl that I dont need the help.. Cos I know Im not gonna make it till I face it alone ..

Yes Id cried again, so what if I cried? Im still gonna say "Im alright" , and continue moving forward. I dont wanna breakdown, I wont let myself to fall...There's no one to catch me, I'll have to spread my wings and try harder.. I'll run harder to find a shelter from the rain, I be a healer for my pain..
This is a crazy world, it can be lonely at times, but who can I really trust, who can make me feel less alone, I dont dare to think bout it again... I dont wanna have to hold someone's hand, I just wanna be the girl I used to be when I was me and worry free.

But I still believe, maybe there's reason why all the doors are closed, like katty perry's fireworks lyrics, " So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road".... I'll just have to keep on running, running and running. Its always been my hardest part, but Im gonna stay in control, I admit that this is getting hard, but Im gonna get there by my own..

I'll smile, again, when you see me... whoever you are

Sorry eeee ~~

"Why didnt you pick up calls?", fren

"Sorry I was in the middle of class " , me

" OK, what are you doin tonight? free for a drink?", fren

" Sorry >< having extra practice tonight in cheras.." , me

"Ooo... How bout tomorrow then? just a quick one .. ", fren

" hmmm...sorry i guess not, gonna have meeting tomorrow night after class...." ,me

" I see, wow u're so bz..how bout thurs?", fren

" errr..actually thurs night having another extra practice before friday night's final rehearsal..and I bet saturday have to be in band for whole day as well..then sunday perform..." ,me

" OMG , you're crazy...ok how bout 7th of dec? its a PUBLIC HOLIDAY~~" , fren

" Wait..7th...sound so familiar.....wait i check my calender awhile.........AHHH so sorry, that day we gonna have combine section with klang members...another extra practice on holiday ", me

"........................ -.-'' " , fren




Lol , I am so sorry my friends, brothers and sisters ... I seriously felt bad when I had to reject you guys ><... But I find this conversation (last nite on the phone) quite funny.. My friend (driver for the day) was literally laughing when he heard our conversation.. Man I was sooo damn pack, didnt even have time to yamcha ..specially with my assignments as well.. Im so sorry, especially T, I, K, M, J, G, H, Kv, L, WK.....sometimes Lc, Yw, Mt, Ss, C.....

I have school works to catch up, but definately, I'll try my best to catch up with u guys soon when Im free...Thx for all the concerns, I'm doing fine, although bz, tired n nt enough sleeps, Im doing good, and will be better ...  Im striving harder now becos Ive realised that Im not giving my best yet.. So gambate too ppl ! Cos Im not gonna give up  :) .....  Luv u guys always! ^^

Writing my story

Its nearly 3 in the morning now, and Im still awake.. suddenly felt like writing blog again, its been awhile since the last time I updated my blog..

Been looking back these few months, n ofcos, the broke up. I am so glad that I'm happier now. I am so thankful that ppl around me are giving me so much support, care and love.. You guys made me worth loving .. :)

Was once so blind in love... I should see earlier that you were never good for me , but i guess its never too late to realize..After all, I guess its really over, and Im finally getting better... :)
Still rmb how my mates were telling me it was not worth it, I shouldnt cry for him... I guess I didnt really cry for him, I cried for myself.., becos Id allowed him to take me for granted.. I cried becos I had underestimate myself, for not loving myself enough, and for letting him to stepped on my self-esteem again and again..I was so weak..

Slapped me right on my face...was a good one, so that I could wake up and open up my eyes ... Thank you, for walking away from me whenever you wanted and there was nothing I could say.. More than you ever know, I think Im really better off without you..
So if I seem a little bit cold, it only means that you've lost the hold you had on me.. "Enough is enough" I guess I could understand this very well already.. :)

I love my family and friends even more now, because they are the one who always by ur side when you are lost and down.. Yw, Lc.. thx for accompany me during my most difficult period...I will rmb u guys, and I will nv leave u guys behind when you guys have problems.. and J, T and S, u guys were awesome as well..T u are full of "yi hei", and J the philosopher... :p  and ofcos my comrades and sisters...I am just so lucky to have all of you by my side...

Transformation ---  Ive tried alot of new things that I tot I didnt like it ... Like paintball, skytrex, jungle tracking, gym, and MORE coming! I love it!! I love it all ^^... I enjoy meeting new ppl, doing new things, looking for new experience.. :D  .. Tell u a secret ;p gonna start learning dancing very soon! weeeee~~ this is what I always wanted..besides music, I LOVE to dance!  I think I love dancing more than music... But nt gonna tell my parents that I gonna take dance lessen (becos they dont really like it ) >< ..

Again Wwweeeeeee~~~ I love every moment of NOW.... :)

*** I am writing the story of my life one moment at the time...so lets enjoy the beauty of NOW ^^

My days, in Tadika Seri Soka

Tadika Seri Soka, Im proud to be the first batch student ... This place really reminds me lots of my kindergarden precious moment..haha..but everything seems to be so small now..(small chairs, small tables, toilets ><...lol as if i were in the movie "Alice in the wonderland" :p

Its good to be back, for good..

I decided to go back, to contribute, because I heard that they're really short of ppl in tadika.. And Im now having holiday til may before I start my course..so why not? :)

Everyday 730am to 130pm.. At first I was like..wow ><>
First day of "work", lol.. other teachers were very very busy, I was told which class I will be assisting, then "poof", the person was gone and I was alone><...then was figuring out what can do to help them..

So happened that I saw this small boy crying ..very loud .. (oya, all the kids are really "tiny" over there...like "handle with care" type ><...so cute wei..hahaha)

So I walked up to him, I introduced myself and asked him what happen..he was crying at the same time telling me something , very very long..but I couldnt understand ><>

I tried to tell him its alright, be good boy, dont cry, and hug him..
When the class started, teacher Lindy(my class's eng teacher) called him and asked me to bring him to class...(ooo! this boy is in my class , bunga daisi ^^ hahaha)..

Then throughout that whole day, he kept following me, very manja><

Everyday the kids end class at 12pm..Then after the hug hug bye bye with the kids, I have to rush to the girls toilet..There are groups of 4 to 6 years old girls will be staying back for day care, so we have to bath them..:p..haha ofcos we have 2 aunties to shower the girls, me and another teacher just to monitor them, help them to dry the hair, wear cloths sometimes.. wow! This's really something I nv did before..:)

They are mostly so called bit "out-of-control" kids..are here for day-care cos some of them are very notty, maybe its because they're lack of love(parents busy working), or too manja.. According to the teacher while monitoring the girls, she said that kids that stay back for day-care, everyday they're getting better..cos they have friends, teachers to guide them.. :)

The first week I was really not used to it..Because taking care of kids , you really need alot of "energy" ><.. As in you need energy to control ur tempor, haha be patience, and to chase after kids sometimes><..haha its very very tiring, felt so so sleepy and restless when I drove back ..I nearly fell asleep while driving back once ><..and it was so dangerous man..but now are gettin better.. :)

Many of my friends, were very shock when I told them that I'm helping in tadika, in cheras(so far????!!! ) and it a voluntary work(what?? no pay??) Haha, they said why not just get a job with salary? why so stupid and stuff..

Well, I guess they just don't understand, life's great when you can find something that you can contribute to ppl, society.. In this busy city, when we are all fighting hard for our own stuff,only..dont you feel tired?.. It might seem stupid to be such selfless, or so unrealistic..but is it true? how can you tell, if you never try before? You said it through your own experiece? or by following what "other ppl" saying and thinking...?

Yes, its tiring, no money, ...but I gain more in the end...

At first I was just thinking to contribute there since I have time, and its tadika seri soka man! I used to study there^^

But now, after working for few weeks there... I realised that everyday over there is a challenge for me..

Everyday Im dealing with the kids, and everyday they are actually training my character, as a human..

Right here, the teachers don't beat or scold the kids.. If some of them really out of control, like hit other kids, make other kids cry, dont wanna share their toys , snatch ppl's things, don't listen to teachers..and etc.. Teachers will only bring them to another side, talk to them..maybe at the begining scold..but sure will talk to them, as in dialogue with the kids.. Here, I see the respect for kids, from the adults(teachers).. I think its becos our founder of tadika seri soka, Daisaku Ikeda, holds the same principle too, for ppl..

So now Im doing the same thing too, I dialogue with the problematic kids..Ppl might think its hard to talk to them or doubt that will they ever understand what you say? But they do understand, they will slowly change..even they are only 4 years old(my class)... but ofcos, this need everyday's effort ..

I've learnt alot, and I'm learning more.. polishing myself everyday...Wish me luck with the kids..^^ and I will continue to gambate :) .. FIGHTO!!!

生命的自由

八个月了....好像过了很久,但也好像是一眨眼的事...好像过了很久,是因为我们变得很不同了...好像一眨眼,是因为时间真的过得很快.... 有时时间的不留情,真的可以疗伤,同时也可以看清自己...

觉得,你跟她应该过得很好吧...放心,我不是放不下,也不是在留念..我也过得很好...

只是昨天参加了很久都没开的青年广布第二幕会,想起以前不断拼命鼓励你去开这个会,也不断和你分享开会的喜悦,希望你也能拥有这份感动和喜悦....但不能吧? ...境堐时而好时坏的你,有时很抗拒,所以也很压力吧? ...有时在想,她不是学会人,也许你会比较自在吧...

但无论如何,离开你之后,路真的不好走..除了自己的情绪以外,遇到满多想欺骗自己的人..那时候的我,一直停留在怀念以前的保护区里,一直不肯前进...每天过着以泪洗脸,失眠的夜晚...那时候的脸色,谁都被我吓到...幸好,我一直都有同志们,姐妹们的支持,seniors 的指导下,通过题目,来overcome所有的fundamental darkness......

昨天在广布第二幕会上,看着池田先生的video,感到非常感动,也很感激..因为我还在学会里,我还在会里跟随着池田先生,和其他的青年一起认真地探讨人生..

一时也会回头望,看看你有没有出席会议..果然没有..真遗憾,希望你不要再给自己借口,放弃学会吧..离开学会,就是离开幸福的轨道...

我很享受,现在的我..每天都把握能鼓励身边的人的机会,有我的地方,一定要有希望..每天不停地提醒自己,要把这涌入在我的生命里...最近领悟到培育后继者的重要, 无论是在鼓笛队里,还是学会, 今后会从新出发!!

我,一定要,每天都能证明恩师的伟大...

不管有没有人看到,都一定要发光发热...就好像月亮,无论是否有乌云遮盖,它都一样地在黑夜里发出温暖的月光.

现在的我想追求的,是生命的自由...:) ...

追求一个不被痛苦迷惘束缚的生命.. 无论有多困难, 都可以无限地创造幸福的人生..
这, 就是生命的自由...

I will never forget this night..It's a promise..

"Please come...I will wait for you in Japan..."


At first I didnt know there was a student division exchange meet with the students in soka university of japan (SUJ) tonight..I only got to know about it when we were having rehearsal for junior camp sketch this afternoon...

It was pretty rush for me but I told myself, no matter what I must attend this meet...Cause I wanted to feel..their spirit, I wanted to know bout student in SUJ, I wanted to know how sensei treat the students in SUJ ..through all of them..I wanted to find , something that will deepen my determination to study in SUJ...I wanted it so much...

When I reached home,it was already 7pm..I was waitin for mable to come over, and it was raining cats and dogs...I was really worried, I didnt want to late for the meeting..I didnt want to miss a single thing from them... So while waiting for mable, I chanted to gohonzhon..tat pls pls pls, rain would stop soon, no jam , smooth traffic and will reach cheras kaikan be4 8pm >< (that time was already 720pm) ....

When mable reached my place, it was still raining very heavily, I continued to pray inside my heart..I must reach be4 8 ><.. To my surprised, when I nearly reach the highway, the rain slowly stopped..! and there was no jam at all!! ..I was sooo happy and grateful, at the same time I was really excited..I managed to reach kaikan at 750pm :) , and they just goin to begin the meet ..

The whole night I was really motivated, evcited, touched and really very happy...Although I didnt get to talk much with the students..but I was really motivated by one girl..

Her name is Sampei Masako, and also called Sun, a student in SUJ, and also in my group during the small group session....She is just like her name.. Whole night I could see her smiling..and her smile is so bright, just like the sun of happiness..

She tried hard to communicate with us in her "limited" english although we had a translator in our group..I can really see that she tried hard to build this friendship with us..and I was really touched..

In the group, I shared abit bout how my feeling to sensei and told her that I wish to study in SUJ after my degree..When I heard she told us about how sensei feel for every single students there, and how he encourage each and everyone there..I cried abit, because I feel sensei's heart too..Although Im not in Japan, I can feel that sensei is doin the same thing to me too..I can feel it through the students from SUJ..Because sensei's heart is the same to all..

When I said I want to study in SUJ, D said that actually its gettin really competitive..There are 14 ppl applied for SUJ this year and onli 6 successfully gt into it.. My faith gt beaten down abit when I heard that..But straight after that , "You must gambate! " said Sun.."You must come to SUJ.."..I controlled myself, not to cry ... "haik! I will" I answered...

After the session, be4 we left...Sun came to me and took picture with me..

She then hold my hands tightly..."Please come ...I will wait for you in japan.." She said..

Such simple words, but strong, and sincere...

"TQ.. I will learn japanese language well, and I will go to SUJ ."..I told her.. and we smiled...

This is a promise...and it will be the best encouragement for me.. and I will never forget bout tonight...

Think about it..:)

A friend told me about his dream …and to my surprise, that his dream is that world war can happen once more, to change everything, and start from beginning…I was really shock to read his reply on msn..and it makes me think..Why he would said that..he then continued, that human will not change, if they don’t lose something, or in pain…just like ppl changed after tsunami..
Although he then said its impossible for him to achieve this “dream”..but what I see is the thinking, the mindset..I don’t blame him, but thank him for bringing this out, to let me realized that there are ppl actually think that way..I believe that he’s not the only one who thinks like this ..(to this friend of mine, no offence k:) )

To me, happiness is the main purpose of living..right? Who is born for purpose to suffer? Everyone hope to become better, hope to be happy..and happiness is the final goal for humankind..But why does war exist? And why does some ppl will think that war can bring changes?

There are still wars happening around the world, btw countries, races, religions…but what is the fundamental reason for all wars? Issit to achieve happiness of all people? Or mainly just for the fulfillment of egotistical desires and impulses?

“Nothing is more precious than peace. Nothing brings more happiness. Peace is the most starting point for the advancement of humankind. “ (Daisaku Ikeda)

Some ppl who seen war stories in the movies or TV may have been impressed by it..finding it somehow attractive and feeling that the actors looked glamorous and brave. The reality of war, however, is completely different. It is cruel and filthy and filled with sadness and misery. Anyone who has actually experienced war knows it must never be repeated. No matter what justifications may be offered, there is absolutely no such thing as a just and correct war..Each person who has died in war was irreplaceable and precious, they are someone's wife, husband, child, friend...It is more than just numbers...

Natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes cannot be prevented by human reason or wisdom. But problems that are caused by human beings themselves can be resolved by human beings. Human's heart is powerful, it can cause the worst...but it can also cause the best...If wars are created by human, then peace can be acheived by human too! That is the power of human spirit..which has been forgetten by most of us long time ago...

"From a healed, peaceful heart, humility is born; from humility, a willingness to listen to others is born; from a willingness to listen to others, mutual understanding is born; and from mutual understanding, a peaceful society will be born. Nonviolence is the highest form of humility; it is supreme courage. "(Daisaku Ikeda)

Supreme courage...We can find thousand of reasons to talk bout what is happening to ppl nowadays, how futile ppl can be, how bad is the society turning...but most of us failed to take out courage to speake out for peace. Instead of againsting the wind and the waves, most of the people follow the current of ignorance, current of believe that peace is impossible, current of hopeless , current of being realistic..etc...But VERY few, have to courage, to create current towards peace..

Peace can never be attained by passively waiting for it. It is necessary for each of us, no matter how weak we feel we are, to build deep within our hearts to hold strongly to peace..

"Peace is not found somewhere far away. Peace is found where there is caring. Peace is found when you bring joy to your mother instead of suffering. Peace is found when you reach out and make an effort to understand and embrace someone who is different from you" (Daisaku Ikeda)

Real peace starts from our daily life, how we treat ppl around us, how we treat out family, friends, environment...It is not something far apart from us, it is with us, in us...

At the end, maintaining hope no matter how dark the circumstances is very important...Martin Luther King Junior once said, "I have a dream..." a dream that whatever might happen today or tomorrow, whatever difficulties and failures he might face, he still had a dream...

Mahatma Gandhi said, “I remain an optimist, not that there is any evidence that I can give that right is going to prosper, but because of my unflinching faith that right must prosper in the end.”

I am really glad , to be a Soka Gakkai member..and have Ikeda sensei as my mentor ...because I am with the good organisation, we promote peace, through culture , dialogues and education.. Because of Sensei, and Soka Gakkai, great great current towards peace is created..There are too many discourage voices out there..that is why this current towards peace, must continue to bring forward by us, youth, new generation...

Hope, is what we must have, and what we must give to ppl...

And changes, starts from no where, but ourselve... Finally, I would like share this song with all of my friends..Michael Jackson's "Man in the mirror"..(Love this song..the lyrics is so meaningful :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLXYiF_BdAs&feature=related

Few hours ago, something happened and made me very very depressed...and I was filled with sadness and anger...while crying infront of the pc and writing my blog bout my feelings, suddenly a friend msg me in msn, out of no where we were talking bout passion, and dream..

I stopped writing my blog for awhile, and asked him what is his dream about.. and his answer surprised me..and made me think...

I soon clicked to my blog, deleted the post(half-way typing), and started with a new post...because of his dream, I realised that there are more things to concern about.. and the things that I was depressed, sad, angry about was really not a problem..It could be a big matter, just because my heart is not big enough, my visual is not wide enough, for the world...

Bout my friend's dream, I'll share in the next post...:) hope you guys will read and think about it ..

PASSION

People are illogical, unreasonable,

and self-centred.

Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will

accuse you of selfish ulterior motives,

Do good anyway.

If you are successful,

you will win false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be

forgotten tomorrow

Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you

vulnerable.

Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas

can be shot down by the smallest maen and women

with the smallest minds.

Think big anyway.

People favour underdogs but follow

only top dogs.

Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may

be destroyed overnight.

Build anyway.

People really need help but

may attack you if you do help them.

Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have

and you'll get kicked in the teeth.

Give the world the best you have anyway.

(Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith 1968)

I came across this beautiful piece when I was reading a book, and it makes me think about the people nowadays... There are so many people, have lost their passion for so long, over reality.

Human without passion, will be just like robot. Whatever we do we just follow the routine, there is no soul nor passion in the things we do. Like work for the sake of working, busy for the sake of money, hang out for the sake of not being lonely... but no value

"Wei, very sien ar.." , "Boring ar..." , "Life's sucks wei" , " I feel so lonely, empty, I need a gf/bf" ....Does it sound familar? I'm sure we heard that alot from ppl around us, or maybe from ourself... So sad but so true, so comman that you can hear it over and over again from people... Why is this happening? Is this it? Life is just like that?? Hell no! Life is not suck, life is wonderful..Its just us, how we view our lives..

.

Every moment of our lives is like a TV channel. When you tune into documentary channel, all you see are documentories. When you tune into MTV, you see music videos. Every thought of us determine.. It is like frequency, when we have negative thoughts, everything around us will be negative.. If we tune into "Sien-ness" channel, every moment of our time is SIEN ! (boring)

The difference between good and evil is :

- one has perfect control of all forces within him/her

- well the other is dominated and controlled by the forces ..

So? Which channel do you wanna tune into?

It is so important to hold our passion tight with us.. "Passion" on its own is neither good nor bad. It depends on what we apply it. If we apply it with anger, greed, jealousy, insecurity..then we are directing ourself passionately into sorrows, blames, failures....

Live out our passion , and not just dream about it. Merely wishing brings nothing but disappointments. If we have our dreams, we must be PASSIONATE about this dream, dare to dream, and never give in to reality...

History..is bout create, changes, action, and revolution! And history is created by us..

Youth, never to sit and wait, and follow the discourage mindset by "most of the people" ..

Find back our passion, in whatever things we do..whether you're working or studying , passionate to people, passionate to things around us, passionate to create value, passionate to encourage people.... PASSION is our weapon...

You pursue your dreams with great passion
and intensity but it may turn out sour.
Be passionate anyway!

Appreciate, and thankful, for that little time I have to be with you

Lazy afternoon, been spending my whole day lying here in my living room, with my darling apple(my dog), on9 and reading books..Ive a stack of books beside me..but just manage to read one of them..and still reading it... And my mom is sleeping in the 2nd living room, usually Id be in my room..but today I moved my laptop and books to the living room..and do my things down here..

I was waken up by my dad's voice this morning..called me up to bath and get everything ready to pick up my mom in clinic, and depends whether need to send her to hospital or nt..I was blur(huh?wat clinic?hospital..?)....sleepy(so tired...><)....shock! (wat??mom in clinic??!!)

I quickly got off my bed n rushed into his room to ask what was goin on.. My mom kept vomiting this morn..and stomachahe and dizzy, my dad had sent her to the nearest clinic d..

When we reached the clinic, my mom was in the emergency room, I went in with a bottle of hot milk , and saw her lying down , her face looked pale..i was worried...
I sat beside her, she said she was cold, I hold her hands in the blanket, "Its ok ..Its normal to feel cold when u hav stomachahce.." I didnt know whether its right or not but I just didnt want her to worry so much..

She closed her eyes tide and was trying to get some sleep...I prayed in my heart and watched her face..I felt a sudden pain in my heart, watching her suffer makes me suffer too..she's already 64years old..Holding her cold hands, I some how hope that the pain could be transfer to me..atleast half..so she wouldnt be so pain..
When me and my dad were on our way to clinic be4, my dad said ..

"..Your mom is gettin old, she's already 64 you see...In malaysia normally ppl live til 70 or 70+.. she survived her cancer in 2002, now its already the 8th year...

You hav 3 more years to graduate..and she will be in her 67.. How long more you can take care of her, "hao sun" her....."

I kept quiet...I understand what my dad was tryin to tell me..He just want me to be prepared to accept things that might happen in the future.. ..

I didnt dare to hold my mom's hand too tight, I was scared to let her feel my fear and worried...I combed her hair with my fingers gentle, it reminds me how she helped my to tie my pony tail when i was a kid...Time really flies, I gt shocked when i see myself already turning 21 this year, and it hurts me when i see my parents are gettin old ....

When we are spending more time on our work,college,uni,..friends, hobbies..or bf/gf...Have we ever wonder how much time we actually spend with our parents?.. we can even spend hours hanging out with frens..but we have no time to dine with our parents..we can spend whole night ot in office, but we have no time to talk to our parents, and we can talk to our bf/gf over the phone till morn 2am but we have no time to call our parents for 15min..

Some of the people i know hav never watch a movie with their parents in cinema before..I find it kinda sad.. Or never speak to their dad or mom much?..like just hi and bye, yes and no, want and dun want...etc..... Sometimes just little caring, time , can make things much more better..

Sometimes I think people just take parents for grounded..Because we know that tat whatever we do, our parents will still be there for us..We have NO TIME, but we think that some other time we can spend a day with them...So we rather put our bf/gf, heng dai, ji muis, frens first..

Have a look at our parents, they are not the same as last time alreayd..they are getting old..i mean..look properly at their hairs..their hands...and when was the last time you hold their hands?

Back to a the word.."Appreciate"....Appreciate our parents, and be thankful.. not only because of what they've given you, but because they are still here,still by your side...and you still have that little time, to care and love them...

请原谅懦弱的我,我在努力着,没放弃过..

蔡健雅 - 若你碰到他
我的脆弱坚强　互相作战
理性与感性　失去平衡感
不想让自己　活在过去的遗憾
问宇宙　 他是否还爱我吗
这问题　 早就有答案

若你碰到了　替我问候他
告诉他我过得很美满
已忘记他　 已把泪水全部擦乾
若你碰到了　替我问候他 祝福他和他的另一半
不在乎他　 不再爱也不再等待
就这样吧　 若你碰到他

*我的自私慷慨 互相挑战
黑夜白天颠倒 造成困扰
常在最乐观时候跌进沮丧 为何失恋后想恢复那么困难 只好找些催眠的话

爱　 没有绝对　 虽曾经以为我终于体会　爱不能倒退 该让它颓废　收起心碎

若你碰到了　替我问候他
告诉他我过得很美满

已忘记他　 已把泪水全部擦乾
若你碰到了　替我问候他 祝福他和他的另一半
不在乎他　 不再爱也不再等待
就这样吧　 若你碰到他


第一在收音机听到这首歌的时候, 觉得 "嗯..很好听, 旋律很好, 歌词不错.."....一段时间后的今天,不知为什么想起这首歌, 于是上网找找看.. 不知道歌名的我, 只好随便打几个记得的歌词, 那也被我找到了.. --- 蔡健雅 - 若你碰到

于是边听着,边看歌词..重复的听了一段时间,今天仔细去感受它每一句歌词...
我哭了...
歌词写得如此平白, 歌声是如此的悠然, 然而, 却有种丝丝入扣的情感, 我被触动了.
看着MV里的男主角, 是如此的熟悉..他是否在上演着, 我也很熟悉的情节..

每天,都是脆弱和坚强, 互相作战...理性与感性, 失去平衡感.....
相信生命也是如此,每天都是胜负的考验, 那这一刻,我哭了,我输了..但下一刻,我会赢的..若又不能,那就下下次,下下下次..终有一天,我会把这伤口治好.. 也希望为爱受伤的人, 不要放弃治好自己的伤口..相信你能把自己治好, 因为没人比你更了解自己, 也没人会比你和你父母更会爱你...

我在疗伤的同时, 也不忘看看我那遥远的梦,也不忘追逐它.. 女孩, 在青春时代, 应该多看看这世界, 还有其他事情也很重要, 很美丽... 我, 也要一面地疗伤, 一面努力地奔向世界...

朋友, 请原谅懦弱的我.. 我还在努力着, 我没放弃过...

"Keep it up girl...what ever it takes..u have to make it through the way... There's no time for you to ponder around with ur emotions di..You are out of time!! Hold on tight with hope, faith and courage.... "

keep reminding keep remindin keep reminding.....we are human, we make mistakes,we might take the wrong path..tats why we need to keep reminding ourselve.. No one and nothing can affect my heart, if im strong enough...

Im feeling abit unease..sometimes in the night..well everyone has ups n downs...including me ... But how much time does it takes to bounce back? That a question for me to ask, an answer for me to create..

Whatever it is, things that keep me going..my studies,my dream,my mission...keep thinking keep thinking keep thinking.....

"Look! how happy u are when u graduate..when u travel around europe after you graduate..when u finally get to pursue ur studies and ur mentor in japan...Look at that big big smile on ur face...How bout recorder band? kotekitai sisters and ur parents?..."

So dont give up!! Never give in!! FIGHTO! FIGHTO! FIGHTO!

Just like yesterday

Sometimes, it felt just like yesterday..Even it had been so long, but i still feel that way..Memories still remain, but things has changed, even the both of us ..

My heart is aching no more, tears are shedding no more..Still rmb those days how i cried over the phone, felt like couldn't breathe, spent my sleepless nights playing the piano, cried in anytime, to anyone....Never had such pain before, because I'd never loved this much before... But I thank you for this pain, because I am surprised to see the me now ..

I'm still the me, never had I changed..but I've grown up I'm proud to say, more mature I guess.. Atleast Im no more lonely, from the inside of me...I see things differently, I see my dream clearer than I was with you...

Your love had blind folded me, and my love was not strong enough to put ur negativity off..we were just not meant to be together..I've completely accepted this fact..1 month ago....


I eat alone, read alone, shop alone, gym alone, drive alone...I'm not lonely, I'm just discovering "myself" ...What kinda life I want to live? What do I want to pursue? What kinda person I want to be? What I kinda relationship I want? What kinda life partner am I looking for...?

I dont think I'm ready...That's why I remain single...Once a friend asked me why not try out some of the guys that are aftering me, he said its better not miss the chance .... But for me, I rather to miss that chance, than to fall in the "wrong love" again...

I wanna feel happy, not the outside, but in me! I asked myself this ,
"Where is happiness to be found? How can we become happy? "
After the broke up, I did not feel happy at all.. Even I went out with a bunch of peoples, yam cha with friends every night, movies with friends and anything that I wasnt being alone. But I did not feel any happier at all. Infact Im getting more depressed as I saw him having great time with his new gf..

I soon found out no matter how much friends I hang out with, how many places I went to, or even if i had another bf.. I wouldn't be happy..
"Because happiness is not a question of how you look to others, rather it is a matter of what you yourself feel inside; it is a deep answering response in your life."
And this fundamental darkness of mine, is still in me, no matter how my environment change, I would still remain the depressed emo me... After discovering this, I took some hard time in chanting, kept reflecting myself.. I started to see the weakness in me..so fragile...and Im gonna transform this , to happiness, to a strong young women that sensei's always proud of..

Instead of letting myself in that miserable situation ..FOREVER.. I wanna make changes, revolution! How?

Live in a way that is full of life... for yourself, for your loved ones, for your friends. People who do so will find the courage to transform sufferings into hopes. Not only that, but they will be able to light the lamp of hope in the hearts of many others, as well. (Daisaku Ikeda)

Start with giving something to each person I meet : joy, courage, hope, assurance or philosophy, wisdom, a vision for the future... Let me always give something!! Wait and see, I wanna see the girl that shines with beauty in that mirror again ...and shines even brighter ..