View from the window..

I always have the time on my own, I enjoy sitting in a cafe, with my book and a hot tea..Sitting alone , watching people passing by..its the best lazy afternoon ever...

Its nice to watch people..When I see people walking alone, I wonder if they were to enjoy alone time like I do..When I see a bunch of friends laughing while hanging around, I would think of my friends, wonder hw were they doing ..When I see lovely couples, I wonder when was the last time someone held me close like they do...When I see parents with kids, I wonder how could it be when I'd a family...When I see elderly couples, I wonder how many couples could last forever like them...

View from the cafe window, sometimes I see hope, sometimes I see disappointment, sometimes it reminds me bout some memories...
Someone said to me..that our lives are shaped by people who love us, and people who refuse to love us.. Very true...but too much voices...Somehow for now, I prefer to plug on with my music, totally with my own, trying to listen to my own soul...

Someone asked me to moved on, I did ... but I know forgetting doesn't make it all better, it just gonna make it hurt again when I remember..So Im nt gonna force myself to forget, I believe, time..forgets :)

There's happiness out there..Somewhere, I know there is...I'm just too afraid to look..
View from the window.. I wonder, when will...

1/1/11

1/1/11 , 2.24am


3...2...1... Happy New Year .. ...

Id tried to laugh, but my laugh was so fake, Id tried to talk, but I was out of topic..
I was quiet, but I just didnt know why .. I didnt felt like partying, or drinking...

I reached home...n I cried...again, I didnt know what was the reason...
 I guess it was a release for me..All these while Ive been fighting with my every fear , though I was losing balance but I caught myself..and no, Ive been telling ppl that I dont need the help.. Cos I know Im not gonna make it till I face it alone ..

Yes Id cried again, so what if I cried? Im still gonna say "Im alright" , and continue moving forward. I dont wanna breakdown, I wont let myself to fall...There's no one to catch me, I'll have to spread my wings and try harder.. I'll run harder to find a shelter from the rain, I be a healer for my pain..
This is a crazy world, it can be lonely at times, but who can I really trust, who can make me feel less alone, I dont dare to think bout it again... I dont wanna have to hold someone's hand, I just wanna be the girl I used to be when I was me and worry free.

But I still believe, maybe there's reason why all the doors are closed, like katty perry's fireworks lyrics, " So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road".... I'll just have to keep on running, running and running. Its always been my hardest part, but Im gonna stay in control, I admit that this is getting hard, but Im gonna get there by my own..

I'll smile, again, when you see me... whoever you are

Sorry eeee ~~

"Why didnt you pick up calls?", fren

"Sorry I was in the middle of class " , me

" OK, what are you doin tonight? free for a drink?", fren

" Sorry >< having extra practice tonight in cheras.." , me

"Ooo... How bout tomorrow then? just a quick one .. ", fren

" hmmm...sorry i guess not, gonna have meeting tomorrow night after class...." ,me

" I see, wow u're so bz..how bout thurs?", fren

" errr..actually thurs night having another extra practice before friday night's final rehearsal..and I bet saturday have to be in band for whole day as well..then sunday perform..." ,me

" OMG , you're crazy...ok how bout 7th of dec? its a PUBLIC HOLIDAY~~" , fren

" Wait..7th...sound so familiar.....wait i check my calender awhile.........AHHH so sorry, that day we gonna have combine section with klang members...another extra practice on holiday ", me

"........................ -.-'' " , fren




Lol , I am so sorry my friends, brothers and sisters ... I seriously felt bad when I had to reject you guys ><... But I find this conversation (last nite on the phone) quite funny.. My friend (driver for the day) was literally laughing when he heard our conversation.. Man I was sooo damn pack, didnt even have time to yamcha ..specially with my assignments as well.. Im so sorry, especially T, I, K, M, J, G, H, Kv, L, WK.....sometimes Lc, Yw, Mt, Ss, C.....

I have school works to catch up, but definately, I'll try my best to catch up with u guys soon when Im free...Thx for all the concerns, I'm doing fine, although bz, tired n nt enough sleeps, Im doing good, and will be better ...  Im striving harder now becos Ive realised that Im not giving my best yet.. So gambate too ppl ! Cos Im not gonna give up  :) .....  Luv u guys always! ^^

Writing my story

Its nearly 3 in the morning now, and Im still awake.. suddenly felt like writing blog again, its been awhile since the last time I updated my blog..

Been looking back these few months, n ofcos, the broke up. I am so glad that I'm happier now. I am so thankful that ppl around me are giving me so much support, care and love.. You guys made me worth loving .. :)

Was once so blind in love... I should see earlier that you were never good for me , but i guess its never too late to realize..After all, I guess its really over, and Im finally getting better... :)
Still rmb how my mates were telling me it was not worth it, I shouldnt cry for him... I guess I didnt really cry for him, I cried for myself.., becos Id allowed him to take me for granted.. I cried becos I had underestimate myself, for not loving myself enough, and for letting him to stepped on my self-esteem again and again..I was so weak..

Slapped me right on my face...was a good one, so that I could wake up and open up my eyes ... Thank you, for walking away from me whenever you wanted and there was nothing I could say.. More than you ever know, I think Im really better off without you..
So if I seem a little bit cold, it only means that you've lost the hold you had on me.. "Enough is enough" I guess I could understand this very well already.. :)

I love my family and friends even more now, because they are the one who always by ur side when you are lost and down.. Yw, Lc.. thx for accompany me during my most difficult period...I will rmb u guys, and I will nv leave u guys behind when you guys have problems.. and J, T and S, u guys were awesome as well..T u are full of "yi hei", and J the philosopher... :p  and ofcos my comrades and sisters...I am just so lucky to have all of you by my side...

Transformation ---  Ive tried alot of new things that I tot I didnt like it ... Like paintball, skytrex, jungle tracking, gym, and MORE coming! I love it!! I love it all ^^... I enjoy meeting new ppl, doing new things, looking for new experience.. :D  .. Tell u a secret ;p gonna start learning dancing very soon! weeeee~~ this is what I always wanted..besides music, I LOVE to dance!  I think I love dancing more than music... But nt gonna tell my parents that I gonna take dance lessen (becos they dont really like it ) >< ..

Again Wwweeeeeee~~~ I love every moment of NOW.... :)

*** I am writing the story of my life one moment at the time...so lets enjoy the beauty of NOW ^^

My days, in Tadika Seri Soka

Tadika Seri Soka, Im proud to be the first batch student ... This place really reminds me lots of my kindergarden precious moment..haha..but everything seems to be so small now..(small chairs, small tables, toilets ><...lol as if i were in the movie "Alice in the wonderland" :p

Its good to be back, for good..

I decided to go back, to contribute, because I heard that they're really short of ppl in tadika.. And Im now having holiday til may before I start my course..so why not? :)

Everyday 730am to 130pm.. At first I was like..wow ><>
First day of "work", lol.. other teachers were very very busy, I was told which class I will be assisting, then "poof", the person was gone and I was alone><...then was figuring out what can do to help them..

So happened that I saw this small boy crying ..very loud .. (oya, all the kids are really "tiny" over there...like "handle with care" type ><...so cute wei..hahaha)

So I walked up to him, I introduced myself and asked him what happen..he was crying at the same time telling me something , very very long..but I couldnt understand ><>

I tried to tell him its alright, be good boy, dont cry, and hug him..
When the class started, teacher Lindy(my class's eng teacher) called him and asked me to bring him to class...(ooo! this boy is in my class , bunga daisi ^^ hahaha)..

Then throughout that whole day, he kept following me, very manja><

Everyday the kids end class at 12pm..Then after the hug hug bye bye with the kids, I have to rush to the girls toilet..There are groups of 4 to 6 years old girls will be staying back for day care, so we have to bath them..:p..haha ofcos we have 2 aunties to shower the girls, me and another teacher just to monitor them, help them to dry the hair, wear cloths sometimes.. wow! This's really something I nv did before..:)

They are mostly so called bit "out-of-control" kids..are here for day-care cos some of them are very notty, maybe its because they're lack of love(parents busy working), or too manja.. According to the teacher while monitoring the girls, she said that kids that stay back for day-care, everyday they're getting better..cos they have friends, teachers to guide them.. :)

The first week I was really not used to it..Because taking care of kids , you really need alot of "energy" ><.. As in you need energy to control ur tempor, haha be patience, and to chase after kids sometimes><..haha its very very tiring, felt so so sleepy and restless when I drove back ..I nearly fell asleep while driving back once ><..and it was so dangerous man..but now are gettin better.. :)

Many of my friends, were very shock when I told them that I'm helping in tadika, in cheras(so far????!!! ) and it a voluntary work(what?? no pay??) Haha, they said why not just get a job with salary? why so stupid and stuff..

Well, I guess they just don't understand, life's great when you can find something that you can contribute to ppl, society.. In this busy city, when we are all fighting hard for our own stuff,only..dont you feel tired?.. It might seem stupid to be such selfless, or so unrealistic..but is it true? how can you tell, if you never try before? You said it through your own experiece? or by following what "other ppl" saying and thinking...?

Yes, its tiring, no money, ...but I gain more in the end...

At first I was just thinking to contribute there since I have time, and its tadika seri soka man! I used to study there^^

But now, after working for few weeks there... I realised that everyday over there is a challenge for me..

Everyday Im dealing with the kids, and everyday they are actually training my character, as a human..

Right here, the teachers don't beat or scold the kids.. If some of them really out of control, like hit other kids, make other kids cry, dont wanna share their toys , snatch ppl's things, don't listen to teachers..and etc.. Teachers will only bring them to another side, talk to them..maybe at the begining scold..but sure will talk to them, as in dialogue with the kids.. Here, I see the respect for kids, from the adults(teachers).. I think its becos our founder of tadika seri soka, Daisaku Ikeda, holds the same principle too, for ppl..

So now Im doing the same thing too, I dialogue with the problematic kids..Ppl might think its hard to talk to them or doubt that will they ever understand what you say? But they do understand, they will slowly change..even they are only 4 years old(my class)... but ofcos, this need everyday's effort ..

I've learnt alot, and I'm learning more.. polishing myself everyday...Wish me luck with the kids..^^ and I will continue to gambate :) .. FIGHTO!!!

生命的自由

八个月了....好像过了很久,但也好像是一眨眼的事...好像过了很久,是因为我们变得很不同了...好像一眨眼,是因为时间真的过得很快.... 有时时间的不留情,真的可以疗伤,同时也可以看清自己...

觉得,你跟她应该过得很好吧...放心,我不是放不下,也不是在留念..我也过得很好...

只是昨天参加了很久都没开的青年广布第二幕会,想起以前不断拼命鼓励你去开这个会,也不断和你分享开会的喜悦,希望你也能拥有这份感动和喜悦....但不能吧? ...境堐时而好时坏的你,有时很抗拒,所以也很压力吧? ...有时在想,她不是学会人,也许你会比较自在吧...

但无论如何,离开你之后,路真的不好走..除了自己的情绪以外,遇到满多想欺骗自己的人..那时候的我,一直停留在怀念以前的保护区里,一直不肯前进...每天过着以泪洗脸,失眠的夜晚...那时候的脸色,谁都被我吓到...幸好,我一直都有同志们,姐妹们的支持,seniors 的指导下,通过题目,来overcome所有的fundamental darkness......

昨天在广布第二幕会上,看着池田先生的video,感到非常感动,也很感激..因为我还在学会里,我还在会里跟随着池田先生,和其他的青年一起认真地探讨人生..

一时也会回头望,看看你有没有出席会议..果然没有..真遗憾,希望你不要再给自己借口,放弃学会吧..离开学会,就是离开幸福的轨道...

我很享受,现在的我..每天都把握能鼓励身边的人的机会,有我的地方,一定要有希望..每天不停地提醒自己,要把这涌入在我的生命里...最近领悟到培育后继者的重要, 无论是在鼓笛队里,还是学会, 今后会从新出发!!

我,一定要,每天都能证明恩师的伟大...

不管有没有人看到,都一定要发光发热...就好像月亮,无论是否有乌云遮盖,它都一样地在黑夜里发出温暖的月光.

现在的我想追求的,是生命的自由...:) ...

追求一个不被痛苦迷惘束缚的生命.. 无论有多困难, 都可以无限地创造幸福的人生..
这, 就是生命的自由...

I will never forget this night..It's a promise..

"Please come...I will wait for you in Japan..."


At first I didnt know there was a student division exchange meet with the students in soka university of japan (SUJ) tonight..I only got to know about it when we were having rehearsal for junior camp sketch this afternoon...

It was pretty rush for me but I told myself, no matter what I must attend this meet...Cause I wanted to feel..their spirit, I wanted to know bout student in SUJ, I wanted to know how sensei treat the students in SUJ ..through all of them..I wanted to find , something that will deepen my determination to study in SUJ...I wanted it so much...

When I reached home,it was already 7pm..I was waitin for mable to come over, and it was raining cats and dogs...I was really worried, I didnt want to late for the meeting..I didnt want to miss a single thing from them... So while waiting for mable, I chanted to gohonzhon..tat pls pls pls, rain would stop soon, no jam , smooth traffic and will reach cheras kaikan be4 8pm >< (that time was already 720pm) ....

When mable reached my place, it was still raining very heavily, I continued to pray inside my heart..I must reach be4 8 ><.. To my surprised, when I nearly reach the highway, the rain slowly stopped..! and there was no jam at all!! ..I was sooo happy and grateful, at the same time I was really excited..I managed to reach kaikan at 750pm :) , and they just goin to begin the meet ..

The whole night I was really motivated, evcited, touched and really very happy...Although I didnt get to talk much with the students..but I was really motivated by one girl..

Her name is Sampei Masako, and also called Sun, a student in SUJ, and also in my group during the small group session....She is just like her name.. Whole night I could see her smiling..and her smile is so bright, just like the sun of happiness..

She tried hard to communicate with us in her "limited" english although we had a translator in our group..I can really see that she tried hard to build this friendship with us..and I was really touched..

In the group, I shared abit bout how my feeling to sensei and told her that I wish to study in SUJ after my degree..When I heard she told us about how sensei feel for every single students there, and how he encourage each and everyone there..I cried abit, because I feel sensei's heart too..Although Im not in Japan, I can feel that sensei is doin the same thing to me too..I can feel it through the students from SUJ..Because sensei's heart is the same to all..

When I said I want to study in SUJ, D said that actually its gettin really competitive..There are 14 ppl applied for SUJ this year and onli 6 successfully gt into it.. My faith gt beaten down abit when I heard that..But straight after that , "You must gambate! " said Sun.."You must come to SUJ.."..I controlled myself, not to cry ... "haik! I will" I answered...

After the session, be4 we left...Sun came to me and took picture with me..

She then hold my hands tightly..."Please come ...I will wait for you in japan.." She said..

Such simple words, but strong, and sincere...

"TQ.. I will learn japanese language well, and I will go to SUJ ."..I told her.. and we smiled...

This is a promise...and it will be the best encouragement for me.. and I will never forget bout tonight...